March 14, 2020

Cookstown Road Races cancelled

Next month’s Cookstown 100 has been postponed because of an outbreak of the deadly coronavirus in the village.

The event had previously been scheduled for 24 and 25 April but new provisional dates of September 11 and 12 have been tentatively penciled in, following the taking ill of up to 4,200 residents in what authorities are describing as the ‘inadvertent spreading of a deadly virus’ by the towns infamous dancing priest who had just returned from Italy.

Fr. Liam Finnegan had posted thousands of biologically contaminated ‘message of the eucharist’ leaflets into mainly protestant areas for up to 2-weeks following his return from official duties in the Vatican State, before authorities were alerted to a sudden surge in affected cases.

While detained by Police for questioning under section 23 of the offences against the state act, Fr. Finnegan made the following statement through his solicitor ;


“On behalf of the Holy, Catholic and Apostolic church founded by Jesus Christ, and his successor to Saint Peter upon whom primacy was conferred upon me, his apostle and messenger of God by the lord Jesus Christ himself, I apologise profusely for any inconvenience caused as a result of this diocesan decision to maintain an ecumenical presence in our hostile regions and neighbourhoods in order to deliver an outreach program for disaffected youths and return them back to the ways of God, and do hope that everyone affected understands that this is the will of our creator and we offer up free scones and confessions for the next 2 weeks of congregation and mass service as repentance and ask forgiveness from he, from whom all good things come.”

“We must not lose sight of his grand plan and beg forgiveness for the wicked sins of the world and offer up ourselves through prayer and donations to the Pope Francis who is losing his shirt right now thru a series of bad investments in property deals and a run on the Holy See’s Vatican Bank that was founded by his predecessor Pope Pius XII in 1942 and recently been heavily exposed to the commodities market through Oil and Gold, We must pray for him, Did you know that if the Supreme Pontiff sneezes ; there is nobody on this planet in a high enough position of power to even bless him ? We must also prey on all gods children for it is the message of the lord”

The Vatican were unavailable for comment other than a standard default response to media queries ;


‘The killing fields of Gods love knows no boundaries and helps bring our communities closer together and afford the undead a period of sadness to reflect upon the inner joys of life and rejoice in the deeds, conveyances and legal covenants of the dearly departed ‘

Local undertaker Mark Calaway was at the scene ;


“I’ve been in business in Cookstown with that man for over 25yrs and I’ll tell you this, there’s not a mean bone in his body and he’s thrown a tonne of work my way, yes, I believe him when he says the buck stops with God for all of this and that he’s done nothing wrong here and will be acquitted of all charges in due course”


“Lissen we are, where we are and that’s it, there’s no point in casting aspersions and blaming every tom, d*** and harry! We must deal with the problem now, so moving forward the last thing we want is to have people hanging around in living rooms and sheds exasperating the situation even further, so I have taken precautionary measures and reactive solutions following meaningful dialogue and consultations with the chief constable, and with the support of local government cash for ash initiatives and UK emergency slush funding, we are providing a support network and hotline for all prospective clients in the region, in order to fast track a 15 minute one-stop-shop CoronaCrem(c) solution towards dealing with this problem head-on and in a sensitive and hygienic manner before our doctors and hospitals are overwhelmed by the sheer volume and numbers we anticipate”

“Think of it as a Norse funeral, only 5 at a time and without the boats, water and whimpering people standing around catching even more cold’s, This is a Stage III environmental disaster right now and we’re also working on a webcam solution where the family can virtually moan and watch the progress in real-time and in slow motion with instant replays, complemented by a complete selection of different soundtracks ranging from celtic tunes to an orange march, to the beating drums of the congo depending on your religious denomination, and which will be available by our tech support team to download on the app store for just £5 shortly ”

Meanwhile Michael Dunlop was said to have cleared a restaurant in Ballymoney following an overtly aggressive ‘cough’ during the week, as Derek Shiels declared ;


“If Dunlop is within an a**es roar of that Cookstown, I’ll be up there, hail, rain or snow, doesn’t matter if it’s just the two of us in a pediatrics ward like hans zimmerman in the wheelchair during Days of Thunder, Corona Virus or not – I’ll be racing Sham ”

Organisers have said the new dates will be subject to approval from the relevant authorities and updates will be issued in due course.

Cookstown spokesperson Baylon McCaughey ;

It’s important that we don’t get caught up in the hype and hysteria surrounding these doomsday scenarios, people need to remain calm and in their homes at all times and to stock up on guns and improvised weapons for any ( pardon the pun ) coldcallers, and to only trust respected media outlets to stay informed such as irish race photography and, as there are a lot fake news websites and russian bots spreading all manner of disinformation and fake news around the internet.

Source: Cookstown Road Races cancelled