Valentino Rossi has taken great delight in assisting both Franco Morbidelli and Pecco Bagnaia in their quests for a ride in the big league, but now he has to contend with them both in MotoGP 2019, and he said would take drastic measures to ensure they don’t get too big for their boots.

Both the VR46 Academy riders have impressed in pre-season testing, Bagnaia particularly as he set the second fastest lap of Sepang in history. “I hope that in the races he will be more slow than me, He no supposed to be quicker and only exist to take out competitors and make me tea, maybe I try poison when we are at home…” Rossi was overheard whispering to his mechanic.

KTM yesterday launched all its teams officially at a big bunfight in Austria. Tech3 were the winners with an excellent Toro Rosso-esque blue and orange paintjob, with Red Bull Motorsports Manager Thomas Uberall suggested the similarity between the MotoGP and F1 colour schemes was no coincidence.

Technical guru Mike Leitner revealed that almost everyone that had ridden the RC-16 had said it was way too stiff and that KTM might end up making four bikes with differing degrees of flex for their four riders for an analogue mode of their electronic dwarf to fat bastard settings.

Aprilia took the version of the RS-GP they should have had last year to Malaysia in readiness for this year. Aleix Espargaro was happy enough with it, but said it lacked a bit of shove. “We have done a step forward, but 9 steps back, at this rate we’ll be dancing an Irish Jig in Cahersiveen by Sunday, we really need to be going in that direction” he said, pointing at the Podium. Andrea Iannone didn’t comment as his mouth wouldn’t work due to an H1N1 Herpes virus he contracted from a random stranger at a Naples beach party last weekend which stopped him from riding, in more ways than one, on the final day…

Jorge Lorenzo didn’t attend the test as he still has a wonky wank wrist after his incident last month, but after watching the timing sheets while stroking a large dildo, he said the title fight may be between Marquez, Vinales, Rossi and Dovizioso. He doesn’t believe he will be in the trophy scrap if it goes beyond 8 race and 200pts, but then added that he remains optimistic and on a lucrative retainer from HRC for simply strolling about the place, “Hard to believe this is paying from my newly commissioned yacht, at least Pedrosa ‘looked’ like he was doing something” he laughed.

With Marquez and Crutchlow injured, and Lorenzo off sick in his dormant volcano bat cave playing nindildo 64, Andrea Dovizioso can’t judge how much the RC213V has improved for 2019. But he did say that covert drones were spotted hovering around turn 3 with Yamaha logos probably recording his sector times, but his mechanic said it may have been a bug on his screen.

Romano Fenati has revealed he received death threats and 620 dislikes on fakebook after the brake-grabbing incident last year, and has hired a new anger management counsellor and public relations consultant for 2019.

Crutchlow, who should be somewhere near his ‘best’ at Losail, predicts Danilo Petrucci will be the biggest spanner in the paddock for 2019, but wished to remain mysterious with exaggerated eyebrow movements and psychokinesis that ultimately gave him a spasm, before slapping himself and storming off repeatedly declaring “I’m not telling you why now”.