“I’m not saying that I’m superhuman, only that lesser mortals on the paddock would be crying like little bitches over similar injuries with only eight days having passed since the operation on my left wrist, it may be the morphine but I feel a bit like He-Man in masters of the universe ” said the former champion.

“For sure the operation was quite recent, and it was a pretty bit deal, but I still managed to play the nintendo and score 220pts on stage 16 super mario advanced while they were operating, so we’ll have to wait until I get on the bike to see how the wrist responds and if I still have a lot of pain when I ride, well then I’ll ride anyway not like the other wusses who don’t give 100%.

“I haven’t been able to wank for the past few days and it’s generally recognised that eye candy around the Sepang circuit is very challenging for such tasks, so this is not exactly an ideal venue towards returning to full form but I’ll see if I can crack a sly one off to Suzy Perry at the press conference provided she wears something nice and I don’t run out of credit on dirty-talk hotline, so I need to remain extremely focused with no distractions”